i know you hate my guts.

i don't love you that much either...

wo men zuo zhe qiao

let's see who dies first.

i wish i get to scream myself hoarse everyday just so that you will hold my hand and tell me,

xing ku ni le

and give me the courage to do those silly things i said i would do to you everytime i gaggle with lynn.

i'm kind of sorry for my actions .... but i have the most valid reason for whatever i did ...

and the reason is here.

the most beautiful reason of all

i wish my brother is dead.

when someone does an atroscity, noone says no nothing.
when you did something insensible, someone grabs hold of you and the opportunity to make your deed seem like a castrophone...

because someone knows what he has been doing is bad and it is still a lousy thing to do even if noone says no nothing...
someone is too lazy and crazy to change, so you have to pay the price to make someone feels better...
... by forfeiting whatever bit of logic and dignity in your life, someone attains godhood in this place.... and noone stays forever as a nobody.



this place is my home.
and i think it's high time that someone leave this place for hell.

i sipped poison once again, with blurred senses and a forgotten purpose.
the frail passion one mustered, a bland portrait of puppy love.

poison for the body, applauding the poison in the soul.
poison unwillingly taken, feelings unwittingly sold.

bitterness to remind a dialog, fragrance to recall...
poison in my mouth, a pain i hold alone.

everything is sorry, everyone a bore.
you remember nothing, hence forget nought.

what a life to live, what a life indeed...

hand me a knife to slice through the cape of time.
give me the chance, to see reason eye to eye...
i will forget, and i will cry.
at least i'll break free and he will die.

i'll drink poison nomore, i'll rest my tired soul.
move on away from the impossible....


away from the charm i love.

with miniscule understanding of what one's dealing with... i jumped headlong into the sea of hopelessness.... blinded by the illusion of love.
maybe with luck... maybe in your face... i'll see the truth i hoped to see... and stop behaving like the world owes me everything.

there are too many things i don't believe in right now.

there are one or two things i wish to vanquish.

there is too much in my life that i think i should do and just didn't do it....

there should be a reason for everything.


the reason is i want to be alone and start all over again.


goodbye past... now show me my future.

finally.....

n_n*

they tell me that i am "too defensive".

i say i wouldn't need to be defensive if noone is here to hurl attacks at me.

maybe people should shut up and stop telling me, a "too defensive" person, to stop being "too defensive"... if i would change my ways i need not wait for you to come and tell me to do it now.

i see no wrong in trying to survive when you want to, knowing you are deserving of survivng and that you can survive.

i have a lot of anguish going on in me.

i don't know why you hate me the way you do, i just want you to execute mercy on me because i know i deserve better than i get.

i have every reason to cry.

you can take me out of this course ... only if i allow you to do so.

but i do not have the shoulder i need to lean upon by my side....

and he is just a cartoon to the world nomatter how much i love him...

i'll keep them thus, and wait for my prince to ride by

and then....



i'll spend one whole night with him by my side, crying in his arms.

you left me when i was having fun and the world smiled on me....

i guess i hadn't been good enough a friend to make you feel the same way.

i don't blame anyone for your absence... maybe just myself

i should have told you i love you every single day when you were by my side.




i love you.

nomatter where you go

why do one feels sad when the guy she loves marrys someone else?

shouldn't she be happy that he is happy now?

because she would like him to marry her so that she can be with him forever.

because she hopes that he would love her like the way she loves him.

so what when it doesn't happen this way?






.... shut up and move on.

and loving doesn't change because it's just a moment of sadness that hits me

insignificant in the lights of the loving i am entitlted to practice till the day i die

people.... in general should die.



one day, i'll go to sleep crying.... and hopefully never wake up.

八稚女は殺すことができる ... ... しかしだれが死んでいるか?

like i said....

i don't brand people as BAD just because they don't fit into the template i set for people who get into my good books.

i pretty much respect personal preferences, interests and character by keeping my mouth shut and not telling people what to do with their lives.

i can trust you with your life.... it's time you trust me with mine.

i cannot be the me years ago because i have grown and time had passed .... and we don't address young adults above the age of 21 years old as "kids" here.

the "kid" from some other "lucky" parent is perfect before you for less than 10 minutes .... i dedicated the first 21 years of my life and memory for your dictation.

you can tell me what not to do and how i should behave .... that's about all you can do.

my heart chooses what i truly love and desire .... and no amount of barbaric demands can change that.






you should stay away from things you don't understand .... to avoid getting hurt.
if you don't and fall into harm's way, you have yourself to blame -- because you are too stupid to act intelligently.....


don't fucking blame me for being myself all this while.

someone asked me what is my fondest memory today.

there is no memory that comes to mind immediately after i got the question.

i guess after 21 years of living, there is no fondest memory in me yet.

this is pathetic.

but as i try to search for one.... i remembered this....

and i think this has to be one of the most special memories i have.





peter and me.

sitting on one of those fishing rocks at eastcoast.

there were other couples whom i don't remember....

probably bjorn.... probably calvin... probably shirley....

what i do remember, we were all very very young.

i was very very young.

i didn't dream of iori at that moment.

i was just ..... me.

it was very dark....

there was wind... the ocean breeze.

there was peter, whispering half a song and tune to me....

i was in white....

i wasn't afriad of the sea insects on the rocks....

peter lightly pushed my head as i said something silly....

he said "....."

and pushed my head.

affectionately.






this... is my most special memory. i lost peter somewhere in my life....
sometime when i grew up....
but this i keep.

a glimspe of something i want from the person who is supposed to be here to give me my fondest memory.

i have a rabbit.

i love it so.... and my whole world knows.

then time came along, slaps me and says "hello?!"

it's not a rabbit but a hamster i own.

i told my "rabbit" i cannot love you as something you are not...

i sent my hamster out the door.

i said.... not anymore



i sat and i wept... what happened gave me a fright.

i bump around and sulk alot... until daddy comes home with siamese fish.

they are colorful and beautiful.

daddy says i can have them because i smile at their radiating hues.

i keep them in my room... basking in their beauty to make my life bloom.

one day they jump out of the tank.

they almost died.... and i demanded why.


because i want to be you



i held the tattered fins... stucked to the marble floor.

my fighting fishes, wasted and torn.




hamster came home on its on accord.... i took the opportunity to redeem my sins.

i'll love my hamster like my fish....

divide my life between the two.

i'll call the hamster his name from now on....

and venture further from the tanks, just so fish won't jump onto the floor.





i see a rabbit through my windows.

he sat with a battered, rusty tag on him ....

an ownership that is worth nothing to she

he's curious, and all alone.

i have an infatuating urge to bring him home.

i waved at it... and he waved back.

fish started jumping onto the floor ... and hamster bled.





i am confused and very stressed...

i hurl stones at the rabbit.

hoping to chase him away to change my mind.

but he just sat around ....

looking lovingly at me and saying ouch*




now i know i am in total mess.

i hurt those who love me to hurt myself.

it fucking hurts and i want no more of this.

it's no longer a thought... but reality

everyone will be happy ...


without me.

He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! i'm a guitar talent. says:
tao yan.....
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! i'm a guitar talent. says:
i go find someone else to treat.
K says:
okokok...i'll eat



how cute can someone get?

n_n*

it took a few days for reality to sink in.

so far away, you'll be there.

dry your tears, paint a dream...

you'll be what you want to be.


my sea of inspiration.


i am stupid and confused.....
hence i'm lost .... in pathatic self -pity.

i speak rubbish.... without thinking.
i need friends to bring me to reality.

i was stupid and confused.
i'm glad i have a friend like you.

if you cannot do something properly.....
don't do it and be a loser.

if you cannot live life the way it should,

go die.





death is not a punishment, it's a choice
if you don't choose it, you'll get punished.

for the torment you inflicted on me, and everybody else.
i think you will go to hell.

i want my life and i want to live,
stop coming in to spoil my scene.

i don't give a shit how you want to live yours...
just fucking leave mine alone.

i love that being i used to loved,
he is beautiful and intelligent.
i look at you and i say,

he is not here.

if you cannot live life the way you want,
don't waste time....

w3tgfedryufdddddddcjku,myhujn;pkjip[[kji'
[]lop
klo'kloujxt c



cat-typing


n_n*

it fucking hurts.



a total mess.
absolute insensibility.
all for this....

sleepless nights.
stupid grins.
all from me....

try harder, dwell deeper.
stare at the spot on the monitor.

this is crap, this is me....
from the start, you can't take it.

wasted time, rendered blind....
groping for that illusionistic sight.

it's not here, you can hear.
i knew it, but i sank deeper.

i am lost, like the place i stood upon.
you had to be the one to turn my lights off....



it hurts ..... it fucking hurts.



who gives a damn?
when will i learn... and stay where i am?

i want to know, i want to change.
this be the last time i'm screaming .... insane

where's a scantuary for the defeated?
with roses and dead poets?
where's the road i can move on from here....
so i'll quit saying....
i feel hurt.




it fucking hurts.

i want to quit school,
become a mad woman and live away from home in some scientific experiment laboratory.

then i want to die a voilent death and come back to look for people who had offended me when i was living this goddamn life like the miserable shit i am right now, this minute.

then i get the license to kill anytime anywhere....

hating people becomes so much more accomplishing and interesting, because you can kill them and haunt and torment them in their sleep.

it will become a hobby.

a good hobby.

i love my ambition.

the purest sign of love is for one to chose spend time idly in the presence of another....
when much more could be accomplished if the time's spent elsewhere.




We are standing on the top of this hill,
Looking out at the myriad of colors�.
It�s not special it�s beautiful�
You just didn�t know I was looking at you.

We need to stay together, it�s the truth.
I need your hands, and you need my laughter.
It�s not unheard I am here�
Secretly holding on to you.

Coz I want to stay away.
Coz I�m so afraid�..



I don�t want to have anything to do with hurt.
I love you but I�m a coward.
I�ll stand by your side and look away�.
So you will never see the tears on my face.
I�ll stand by to watch you disappear�
Feel the pain and relief of not keeping you here.
It�s not the rain �. I�m just tripping.
And you�re just breaking�




I got into peril, running away from sobriety.
Because I know these are the times you�ll be here for me.
Because I want to see your face, and be with you.
Because I don�t have the license to�
Because I need an excuse.

But here I�ll stay �.
Coz I�m so afraid.




I don�t want to have anything to do with hurt.
I love you but I�m a coward.
I�ll stand by your side and look away�.
So you will never see the tears on my face.
I�ll stand by to watch you disappear�
Feel the pain and relief of not keeping you here.
It�s not the rain �. I�m just tripping.
And you�re just breaking�


It�s not the rain �. Just me.
It�s not the rain �. It�s me.
Crying.


I don�t want to have anything to do with hurt.
I love you but I�m a coward


��.
I�ll stand by to watch you disappear�
Feel the pain and relief of not keeping you here.
It�s not the rain �. I�m just tripping.
And you�re just breaking�

It's hard to understand what you are going through because i'm not you. I don't have an idea what goes on in your head or what kind of mental torment have to go through everyday. It is always disturbing to see family members having an arguement. After all, the home is supposed to be a place for solace and serenity. It is definately fustrating for you and no, i can vaguely imagine the pain u have now.

this is going to be so cliche...

Your friends love you Iris, there is ALWAYS a way out. I know there are times where you tell yourself to be strong, to depend on yourself and NEVER to show your weakness in front of people...and on the other hand, you crave for someone to know how you feel and to show comfort to you... two thoughts pulling you apart.

Don't hurt yourself anymore.

I'm telling you this because i care. You're a special friend to me. Not cause i like to tell people nice things for the sake of it, i'm no goody-two-shoes and i dun bloody care about the people that dun matter to me. Talk to someone when you have to. Dun keep it to yourself, it is too much for one person to handle.

Take care,
Yun


PS: so that was why you didn't go to school.... :/


that brought me back.
thank yun, i wish i can do somethingso beautiful for you....

i am confused and afriad.

i am suffering from personality disorder.

i love and hate the same people's guts.

i speak of nasty stuff and obscenities to hurt others and cry after that.

i need someone to help and guide me, or i need something to kill me.

i don't want to join my brother in the hospital and bring eternal damnation to everyone one in my life.

i don't want to tell others i am not normal because i am supposed to be.

i am mean and i frown to my family members all the time, but i am sweet and happy to people who aren't as close to me.

i hurt people to protect myself and fail because i hurt myself in the process of hurting other people.

i don't want to stand beside my brother to compliment ocd and schizophrenia with a schizotypal me and my split-personalities.

i don't want to go crazy so soon.

i want to be happy.

i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to behappy i wan tot be happy i wan tot behappy ti awna tobe happ i wn tot be happy ti wan tot be happy i wan tot benhappy ti wn tot beahappy i wan tot be happy i wan to behappy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy i wn tot be happy i wan tot be ha[[y i wan to be ha[[y i wna to be happy i wan tot be happy i wan to be hap[py i wna t itbe happy i wan to be happy i want happy i want to be happy i want to be happy iwant ot be p[a yyi wan to be happy i want to be happy iwan tot be happy iwan tto be happy ti wan tot be happy it ant to be happy i wan tot be happy i wan tot nbe happy i wan to be happy i want ot be happy iw ant to be happy iwant to be happy iwant to beha[py iwan to be happy ti wan tot be happy i want to be happy i wn tot be happy i wan tot be happy iwn tto be happy i wan to be ha[py iwna tto be happy iwant to happy i want ot paahy i want tophappy i to be happyi want to behappy i wan tot behhapy i want to be happy i ean tto be happy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy i wan tot be happy i wan to be happy i wan to happy i want otb e happy i want otbe happy i waqn to bo happy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy i wn tot nbe happy i wan tot be happy i eant to be hppyti ant to be happy iw ntot be happy iwant to behappy uwan tot be happy iwan tioto behappy iwan to be happy iwant to be happty i wan to tbe happy i want ot be happy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy i wan to ibehappy i wan to be happy i wan tot be happy i want to behappy i wan to behappy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy i wan to be happy u wan tto be happy i waqnt to be hapyyu i wan tot bebe happty i want to be happy i want ot be happy i want ot bre happy i want to be happy i wan tot be happy i wan tot be happy iwant to be hapyy i want to be happy i wan tot be behappy i want to be happy i wan to be happy iwnat to happy iwant to be happy iwant to be happy i want to be happy iw ant to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happay i want to be happy i want to be happry i want to be happy iwan tto be happy iwant to be happy iwant to be happy iw ant to be happy i want to be happy i want to be happy i want ot be happy want to be happy i want to be happy i wan tot be happy i wan tot be ahappy i wan tot eba happym n

i hate it when my mother comes to me to talk about my brother.

i don't hate my brother, neither do i hate my mom.

but i fucking hate the whole world when i come home to hear about anything to do with my brother and his condition.

i don't want to listen to my family yelling at each other at the top of their lungs when they are talking.

i don't want to be around when someone runs out of the door when my family is arguing.

i don't want to see my mother loitering the home in the middle of the night trying to tell me about spirits and ghosts and whatever fuck theory be it religious or superstitious that has to do with the family and it's fucken bad condition now.

i don't want to tell the class i have problems at home and i am unable to join them or just... fucking hand in my work on time and keep to the fucken schedule.

i don't want to see anyone anymore.

i hate sex and babies and humans and every fucking thing you can think of with your bloody fucking brain...

i don't give a damn.

i will fucking disappear if i know how to do it in style.

people can go and die.

ocd can go and die.

i can go and die.

i wish nobody loves me because i don't know how to love them back.

i have no time for this "i love you" crap business.

i don't love anyone.

i won't cry if everyone fucking die tomorrow.

even if i do, i won't tell you and it has nothing to do with you.

everyone should fucking just keep away from me because i am tried of pretending and smiling.

i don't give a shit.

i don't give a fuck.

stop telling me nice stuff.

save it for yourself.

just let me rot here and die.

Arson�.



you threw me a fuse and mocked at my face.
i�m splattered with blood� a picture of disgrace.

kick the bucket, hang the dead cat�
come�on, show me your guts.
if you can�t do this, you�ll never join us.

once and twice� a kick and a dozen smashes.



vision blurs in these torrents
the pain that could never go further�.
i�ll abide and i�ll burn.
and i�ll burn����.
i�ll throw you the ashes�
evidence����..
i�ll throw you my matches.
arson������.



every time i see your face, i�ll leave the place�
today you caught me�� there�s no escape.

kicked the bucket, hung the cats�
here I am� more than you wished
so �. you can�t take this --- the new me i�m presenting.

once and twice� a kick and a dozen smashes



a vision blurs in these torrents
the pain that could never go further�.
i�ll abide and i�ll burn.
and i�ll burn����.
i�ll throw you the ashes�
evidence����..
i�ll throw you my matches.
arson������.



i�ll bring you the flames, don�t run away.
like the sunrise of my era�. be afraid.



a vision blurs in these torrents
the pain that could never go further�.
i�ll abide and i�ll burn.
and i�ll burn����.
i�ll throw you the ashes�
evidence����..
i�ll throw you my matches.
arson������.

-TBC-

i want to drop everything and run away.

there's a reason why i love iori..... people should know.

and i should remember.




i hate iris.... and i know you should hate her too
hate her like i do.
you don't because of god-knows-why.
if you allow, i'll hate her for you.

she's a bitch and a loser....
a thief that steals, from those closest to her.
you are silly and like an angel...
like a flightless bird....
trapped and helpless.... sad and accursed.

come.... start to learn.
be kind to yourself, not that girl...
she's a coward, she's dirt.
save your heart, and recover those tears....
to your loneliness and your hunger for love...
the answer's not here.

hate iris... go hate her.
if you can't then you start to learn.
i started the ball rolling....
i say she'll disappear and she'll burn.

i'm so true about this....

seriously...... hates iris.

i am so tired and worn out.
i'll leave if i have the guts.
i'll leave if i'm not tied down emotionally.
i'll leave..... just leave.


here's this loser prancing at your door
she's laughing, smiling, bragging... and all
her vivacious stuttle, and bashful smile...
glitters and shines like jewels in your face.
a happy, sane, and simple creature she portrays.


i'm this pretendious creature that is not myself
i live in sub-dimensions,
skiving from the pain and tears i am supposed to sell.
i'll leave this plain and dwell on another...
whenever things don't work out well.
one day there will be no escape,
i'll find myself in a corner.... dead
with the lies i'd spun to keep my face
a clown they'll see, standing in my place.
i'm this loser and a hypocrite,
earning cash with my decaying smiles.
take a bow, look further...
see the ugly truth behind this barricade
see that i'm like this ..... because my tears and gloom you'll hate
an elaborate costume for the bleeding corpse
a song for the living danced by the dead...
me that everyone's missed... waiting in a cage backstage,
listening to the drama unfold as the clown steals the show...
i laughed and i wept,
rotting my life away in this trap.
nevermind the drama, nevermind the fame....
the adoration people shower... i will never claim.

He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! - i had a sorry saturday, give me your pity.,,, says:
i should just get a boyfriend like everyone else
� ? years go by and we'd still be waiting for somebody else to understand... says:
heh~ "everyone"?
� ? years go by and we'd still be waiting for somebody else to understand... says:
the problem is~
� ? years go by and we'd still be waiting for somebody else to understand... says:
you not just "everyone else" iris~
� ? years go by and we'd still be waiting for somebody else to understand... says:
you're different
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! - i had a sorry saturday, give me your pity.,,, says:
.............. =P so are you.....*



of course you are..... your words mean the world to me.

i thank my lucky stars for a friend like you.

songs of the moment.
songs to pull the weary soul onward away from rising maddness
with bits of love falling out of one's wounded back....
these songs i'll ever need.
 
these songs and me.
 
 
Des'ree - Life
life indeed can be fun if you really want to.
sometimes living out your dreams ain't as easy as it seems...
you wanna fly around the world in a beautiful balloon.
 
 
TLC - Unpretty
my outsides look cool, my insides are blue
everytime i think i'm through it's because of you.
i've tried different ways,
but it's all the same...
at the end of the day i have myself to blame,
i'm just trippin'......
 

Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You
and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time....
i want what's yours and i want what's mine
 

Mizery Free - Broken Wings
i don't care if noone cares for me..... i'll see it through, just wait and see.
 

Madonna - Frozen
love is a bird.... she needs to fly
let all the hurt inside of you die.
you're frozen....  when your heart's not open.
 

Savage Garden - Two Beds and a Coffee Machine
another ditch in the road... you keep moving
another stop sign... you keep moving on
 

Enya - May It Be
Mornie ut�li� 
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alanti� 
A promise lives within you now
 

Enya - Book of Days
� l� go l�, mo thuras,
An bealach fada romham.
� o�che go ho�che, mo thuras,
na sc�alta nach mbeidh a cho�ch'
 

Enya - Only Time
who can say if your love grows as your heart chose - only time
 

Enya - China Roses
a new moon leads me to woods of dreams and i follow.
a new world waits for me; my dream...  my way.
 

Enya - Paint The Sky With Stars
night has brought to those who sleep only dreams they cannot keep...
 
 
 

if i cannot keep them....   can they keep me?
i don't ever want to leave.
 
if i cannot remember....  is that bliss?
if you can let me chose what to remember,
if you could give me absolute freedom...
i'll be the happiest girl in the world.
 
becoz i no longer ask for love...
because i've taken hope and place it in the attic....
never to use it again till you change the universe.
 
i will stop waiting for Him to come...
i don't think you prepared my share for me.
i fell and bruised too much...
for a love named Him.
 
i found myself a picture and stuck it on.
gave Him a name....  sat and waited.
for all i could remember... he is still Him,
and a picture i pasted.
 
no one to hold and spoon me.
no hand for me to grasp when i roll down the stairs.
nevermind.  
i'll be fine...  like how i always make it through while waiting.
 
this new life is not much different from the one i deserted.
just managed to save a bit more tears....
and make it a lot more simple. 
  

one by one.... step by step.
walk away, don't look back.

today i murdered.
today i died.

when you don't know what to do to your messy life...
when all you do is to cry.

you do the obvious task.
drop everything as it is, and walk away.
and just to make sure that you'll look to the front,
kill the one who calls your name.

one by one.... step by step.
walk away, no turning back.

today i strenghtened.
today i died.



He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
yea...
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
or regconition in the eyes of a stranger.
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
i tend to fall in love with things i know little about



never again... in this new life.

He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
hey... our avartas look really cute a pair from my window....
K says:
both covering the mouths..hehe
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
it's like your going... "wtf" under your breath
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
and i'm going... "hmmm" something above and yonder... "i wonder what it is"
K says:
we're both going 'HHhhhmmmmm.......'
K says:
haha
He*Hu*HAaa!!!!! says:
yea.... n_n*



i still smile on reminiscence of this uninterrupted conversation.
i wish every chat on msn is as beautiful and rewarding as this one.

Deathbear33: byye !
Deathbear33: hey
Deathbear33: smile for me
Deathbear33: ;-)



i already am.... thanks for making my day Gene.
another precious friend and a reason why i should stop my plans and get a grip with myself.

*what a wuss i am.

why don't you go outside
... go outside


kiss the rain ... whenever you need me
kiss the rain ... whenever I'm gone too long

if your lips feel lonely and thirsty,
kiss the rain ... and wait for the dawn

keep in mind ... we're under the same sky
and the nights ... as empty for me as for you

if you feel ... you can't wait till morning
kiss the rain ... kiss the rain ... kiss the rain.




hello...
do you miss me?
i hear you say you do...
but not the way i'm missing you

would it mean anything if you knew what I'm left
imagining in my mind... in my mind

would you go.... would you go ...
... kiss the rain

and you'd fall over me
think of me... think of me... think of me
Only me.


kiss the rain... whenever you need me
kiss the rain... whenever i'm gone too long

if your lips feel lonely and tempted...
kiss the rain... and wait for the dawn

keep in mind we're under the same sky
and the nights as empty for me as for you

if you feel you can't wait till morning
... ....




kiss the rain

that which is easy to pick up and impossible to let go is the most powerful.

that which is impossible to lift and welcomed to go is the most benevolent.

that which is easy to handle and simple to ignore is not that which you'll love and treasure.



reposts... from myspace.
a prophecy, and a salvation before time...
probably an affirmation that i will gain immeasurable weight upon my feat to overcome the most powerful.



that which is easy to handle and simple to ignore... is probably you.

i am twisted and heartless[25-05-04]


confusion and despair lingers round the corner
open, and shut your eyes forever
for you cannot handle the situation....
for you are vunerable to fear

fear that comes all of a sudden
grabbing you from behind when you least expected
fear that you cannot decipher... ...
guiding you into the hands of hurt

feel now, the suffering destined for you
regret and die.
i'll watch you from here, pretty much alive
for you'd chose to leave and never return... ...
to follow a manifestation of love
you'll die, and you'll learn.

you are no longer mine, since a long time ago
don't look back now to say hello
you wanted to leave so bad, to be with someone you don't know
i respected you and let you go
now there's no place that you belong.... ....

you will live, and die all alone.




i hate games[07-06-04]


that means i hate life.

i cannot live a life i cannot control,
i will not lead this life the way i'm told...

i've been lazy, indiffernet, and pushable...
it's time you consider your maddness, actions and its consequences.

leave me alone to handle MY life,
i cannot bring myself to act the way you do....
because i'm not you.


a banshee's cry from the twisted mind
two scorched hearts bleeding with time

one iris looking at some painted flowers...
wishing a dead man would take her into his works.
one more flower, it wouldn't make a difference...
a single addition, it shouldn't be difficult.



the answer to love...[09-06-04]


My hands are distorted
I have skinless hands
Maybe you hadn't recognised it
I hate the both of them

My hands are coated
With the stench of my tears
And the scratches of my fears
Swollen red and bloated

You've never noticed my hands
Like nobody ever had
I feel shameful with this pair
You hadn't realise them


But I once embraced you
With this pair
And you happily received them
Like they had been beautifully fair

I pick up the both of them
Looking at my horror
To once again see a reflection
Of you in my manor



Bestowed with ugliness
Had driven this pair
I shall no longer look at my hands
Until you are there





my face is empty...
and my soul hollow.
you haven't realise it either...
how i hate them both.

my face takes cover,
under the mask of benelovency...
denying the pungent whiff of hipocrisy
repeating to the mind, liar .. liar ... liar.

you didn't see the masquerade,
you couldn't join in the falsity of it all...
i feel you as i danced among the dead,
ever ready to grab me when i fall.

and too many times you have embraced this hollowness,
face is nope but a thin piece of paper.
whisperings of words that could churn the oceans i hear....

i float among the living and dance upon the dead...
every breath a price,
as i twisted distortion abade...
just to feel the love in your eyes.

bestowed with machiavellianism,
driven by sophism...
i break my pretendence for this fraction of a second,
just to return untainted...
into your hands.


i love you



the patience of love...[12-06-04]


-Dedication to all at blog-
There's something for everyone.. and you're not left out. I'll be away for some time.. for a battle that I must attend.. for the sake of my future... and ours.

This time I shall be brave.. this time, there shall be no hesitation...




I will come back truimphant.. and bloodied... and back to your hands...

I love you always.. don't forget that nevertheless. But if I don't return.. promise to forgive and forget me. *loves*


Abayo...








blown, were the horns of battle-cries...
gone, was the beloved beauty of mankind.

blood, and the fallible flesh of your body....
tears, and the encrusted gem of sympathy.
they ain't worth no nothing.... they ain't worth no nothing....


we stand, by the rotten doorways of our shabby shacks...
watching the bullets fly past.
we stood, in the paths of stray projectiles....
feeling each other fall down.

the men of our lives, and love of our souls...
screaming our names, and rushing headlong...
reaching hard to salvage our fall...
running into the arms of death,
prancing upon Cerubus's jaws...



no, it ain't for you...
and you can never go.
beg and cry...
call for death, you want to die...
you can never go, you'll be alone.

the ones that fall, the ones that go...
are but the goods of an evil conspiracy,
between Rhadamanthys, Aeacus, and Minos..
that they will shut their eyes and fail your hopes,
so no soul will feel the Elysian fields.



i stood, by my rotten doorway of our shabby life...
watching the bullets fly by.
i stood away from the deaths of those around....
feeling your footsteps on the ground.

you of my life, the love of my soul....
i call your name to beckon you home.
i'm here standing... still.
projectiles in every inch of me i feel.
i call your name, soft and clear...

come home, girl... i'm always here.




i love you.



random things before drunklord kisses me on the lips.... * don't read *[28-06-04]


if your shadow looks perfect,
there's probably something wrong with your figure.

if i can say i love you straight in the face....
i probably don't love you enough.

when time passes and people move on...
i spend moments loitering along the courtyard of memories.

when something reaches in to grab me onto the right track,
i shed a few tears and move on with trend.... leaving a lingerance of regret, forever circling the flowers of remembrance.

and hence i'm always a little behind.
and hence, you will come to think that i'm not concerned... that this walk is a romantic fraud.

and hence you might ignore me and leave me to daydream...
and then you will wonder what kind of creature i am...

something that cannot blend into your life nomatter how hard you try
something that should be left alone in case it bites in the end.

i am confused in times like this...
and i feel like a kid who will never understand the laws in an office until i decide to leave the childish world.
i don't understand why i cannot go where i want to go in life, and join everyone later...
why i can't set my own pace and boldly tell any soul that comes by what's really on my mind.





i think everything can wait, i don't need sex, and i don't need to own the person i love

i think i don't have to love you the way everyone else does when in love

i'd love to sit by the sea and under the stars.... feel your touch on my cheeks and whisper silly poems into your ears just so you can tell heaven for me when you leave me sleeping in the rays of dawn, soaked in sea-water as day breaks






i just wish you'll look at me and say go where you desire.... i'll see you later
i know i'll return in time to hold your hand when you reach out for mine...
if you know that too, it will be nice.

maybe this is how things should be with me....
maybe, this is me telling everyone... ... i'll never fit in.

n_n* and i am happy.





don't look back for me when i start to linger on some road-kill.....
if you want to see me, look to the front ... and see really far.

i'll be at the destination waiting for you



hand in hand..... let's play and forget


Amongst the words I've read.. it becomes alil' redundant for me to loiter.. your popularity gains more than 1000 miles a day, as I drift away from you all the more like 1000 steps behind.. I need perhaps.. another sweet coffee to make my day fresh again...


You have been more than a very special friend.. you have been one of those who should live in this world forever.. and I shall, perish before the day you will cry again...


~*~
Embracing the hardening fact
that I know my limitations
Ashamed to face our pact
perhaps I should see our classifications

The dithering matter floods across
a mind of sorrow and happiness
A treasure factor that plause
you are that gleaming tenderness

Blessed are those who come
into your manor and your embrace
Because you have the strong soul of rum
drunk in your winery and grace

For I've stepped away from diffusion
like perfume exposed to air
And roaming amidst our confusion
as we tore apart the wings or us pair
~*~








you drew a sword on paper and poked me with it...
i smiled at your determined face and huggled you happily.
you drew an arrow on cardboard and shot me from behind...
i laughed, and chuckled... and walked on proudly with it sticking outta my back.

we don't need cupids to put our hands together -- you attract me.
we don't need a father's blessings to make us a piece.

you peeped up over the table top to peer into my papery world,
overwhemled with curiosity and care.
you point to this and that and questioned.
i n_n and explained my actions.

you sat in a corner, thinking hard...
i sat by the desk and continued with my stuff.

as dawn breaks, you came again with confusion on your tear-drenched face.
you tugged at my sleeve and whispered the dreaded phase...

i dropped the stack of papers i'd spent the entire month on,
as i watched you scruttled out the door....
tears whelling as i mouthed the answers to your thoughts.

they aren't important and i'll drop them all just to play tag.
you are so needed and loved, i'll burn these stuff to bring you back

nothing can tell anything that somethings are just not meant to be....
and i pray for the power to have you convinced...
that the invisible gap that widens between us is really nothing.
nothing..... in the lights of you.
nothing..... valid enough to make you go.




vodka on bitten lips[03-07-04]


vodka on bitten lips....
engulfed in merciless pain and stinging
where fresh blood is the dithering comfort on the tastebuds.

vodka down the throat....
endorsed with your passion and teeth-marks
where scars are the burning desire for your kiss and hugs.

vodka to render me drunk
vodka to take me away.... to where you belong.
to where i feel the soul of your songs.


if i died, would you drink the poison i took?
if you feel you don't want to know me, would you even try to be nice because you know that i love you?


i take vodka neat.... because that's the best i can do...
in the lights of you... i be playing in the ball-pit.... in the lights of you.

i'll take absinthe everyday.
i'll get drunk and half-dead....
dying everday, just to escape.
to runaway to where you are and show you my face.
the picture of a perfect stranger... the picture of someone in love.
in the hope of attracting you to me
in all cheapness ... to lure your vision upon this beaten self,
waiting for your love and touch.


vodka on bitten lips.
vodka where it should be.
drunk and burning....
sad and crying....

where fresh blood dithers the pain on the wounds...
where you could come in to kiss them away.
like you always do... like you would like to.
to hold and love this tattered soul....
to say to me, i love you

like the you in my daydreams,
like the you i'd imagined.

i hate games and competition.

i hate going out and be nice to people... they are the last thing you should be nice with.
hence the further i walk away from myspace, the deeper i am in my world... i don't ever want to go back to be the pretendious sophist again.

i like to keep away from people in general and hope for people to keep away from me when i seem lonely.

i only ever enjoy group outings provided there are breathing spaces for me to be with myself and my thoughts.

i enjoy coming out with one friend.... no more than that because i'm stupid and slow and i cannot handle people and i'll simply fade into the shadows if you allow me.

i wish people leave me alone to play king of fighters.
they don't understand i'm not playing to have fun, i don't give a damn about playing.... .... i hate games.
but i am willing to force myself to learn and improve for the one i love.

the line that divides right and wrong, love and hate... is but a line...



how obvious do you expect it to be?

i'm back here... in my world, not myspace.



*here* is hoping your schedule, life, and peace etc is returned to a speedy re-covery, my thoughts are with you.

-A

p.s. you're welcome




you made me cry.... with this beautiful memory i am to carry in my otherwise empty backpack as i walk away from everything.
you are loved, arc.

life's a tease.... and i'm dead serious.
this makes living my life a real chore.

I hope everyday you find some reason to smile

you just aren't aware of the reason i found.
you don't know how you'd made me smile...


how ironic*

i'm back from school for the long time i've been there and nowhere else.
before i get my life back, i want this to be the first thing i say....


i love you, iori.


that's all. thank you everyone

i never felt more like a girl before in my life.
now that i feel so, i want to tell the world that i don't want to be one.


you are the one i think of.. the one that i adore
if there is anyone i love to cuddle, you will be first
if there is any chance someone holds me, you should be here....

so tell me why, is this happening...
tell me what, were you doing.

i am left alone to fend for myself.
once, and twice... with noone to call for help.
i felt the fear, and then the agnst...
i left you out of the picture, and bear it all my back.

now i retaliated.... and fail.

a new chapter begins, on this sickening tale.
with me staring straight into his eyes, and him swearing at my face.
i recognised him and he remembered me....
i probably invited myself to join his "to miam" list.

life is sour, and no longer safe.
i am a target with a remembered face....
this showdown between him and me,
will come some day....
with you away....

my life at stake, i am wide awake.
i'll fend for you...
to protect this body from filth.
protect this body that belongs to you....

i didn't like him.
i just happened to notice him more....
when he just happened to catch my eye.

he looked like one honest, mature, and quiet guy when i first saw him.
he look like the kind of guy you can bring home to your parents without problem AND consider as a boyfriend.
he look ... ... reasonably good.

i think he has the most pleasant face in school...
because he didn't look like common guys i see everday, everywhere these days.



i didn't think he'll notice me.
i just logically denounced that with my nerdy, loose specs falling off my stubby nose and super bad attitude cum lonely status.... i could disappear for ten years before the school realised that i wasn't attending lessons.
i don't dress proper too.... wearing the same t-shirts to school on respective days of the week with the addition of only one pair of faded jeans is not proper dressing.



now.... maybe there are too much "didn't"s in my life.
and something did happen today.
it was unexpected, natural, and a very happy addition to my life.

i am glad to know that he noticed this stuffy, dusty, grumpy, untidy, impatient, and very not-so-good-looking me and register it in his mind.
i like the way he hit up a conversion with me somehow.

i like the feeling of not being approached because i look special or "cute".

i am at my worst today..... with saw dust all over me and dribbling at the nose when he started the conversation....
and i am impressed with him, the way he see beyond the cover.
someone with such looks ought not to be so wise..... he is the first i met....

and i am happy to know him.
but.....




that's about all there is.
because my heart is not with me.

i don't pray.
i am a free thinker.

but i do wish a lot in life.
i daydream about good things that could possibly happen in my life.

i hope a lot in life too.
i hope for both credible and incredible things in my life....



maybe, it's time to side-track a while and hope for something else.
maybe.... this time i could pray, but not for myself.


to you who heard my prayers, and whoever has the power...
help her pull through, and return safely
let she regain health and be no longer sickly

she deserve a longer journey with this other girl
let her be around, to care for others

happiness comes not to her alone,
for her recovery brings endless joy home

such joy i would hope to see,
on the face of somebody...

to whoever that heard my prayers, to you who hold the power...
make her well, keep her safe
i'll thank you, every single day.

will you leave your love one if you know that you will do anything to protect him from harm...
even if it means giving up your life....

while he is never really there for you despite all these?


will you doubt your love for him if you got voilated in the middle of no man's land in the middle of the night...

while he stays there... up in the sky watching everything unfolding before his eyes,
.... ....doing nothing?


i don't know.
but i still love him, beacuse it is never his fault... maybe mine.

but i just really hope he is here with me now to calm my soul.
i feel so bullied.



where are you?

i need flowers in my vase, someone in my life.
i want sunshine in the rain, someone to ease my pain.

i feel the absence of someone i am waiting for....
someone i've never met before.
he had kept me here, alone and pained,
forever pushing those who love me away.

sometimes i wonder if he is ever there in my future,
is he a guy, or in fact a girl?

i see the face of this someone i am waiting for....
someone i've never met before.
he had kept me here, alone and pained,
forever pushing those who love me away.

he is in fact here, for a very long time.
he is in fact, not even alive.

i touched the face of him i am waiting for....
someone who has never love me before.
he kept me here, alone and pained,
forever pushing those who love me away.

he felt cold, and stone, and dead
i felt tears, and love, and pain.

i love this someone i am waiting for....
someone who has never love me before.
i stayed here, alone and pained,
because here lies the sunshine in the rain.

i miss my hair.

it was so beautiful.... .... yet i cut it off and made myself the alien i am now.

i see this beautiful alien's head on someone else's body and wanted it for myself.

i wouldn't murder for it and ended up trading my own for it.

now i am this abomination walking around with someone else's head on my neck.

... ... it is surprising that i realise this only now.

maybe i left my brain with the old head lying in satan's hands....




i see people walking, all around
i feel them talking, soft and loud

i look everywhere, left and right
i see someone, in my sight

she turns and stares into my eyes
her tears flowing as she cries

i mumbled a question.... of care and concern
my mind numbed .... by her illusion

i want to know, why she cries
i long to help, her treacherous life

a gentle turn, and loving caress
her precious tears, she let me possess

reaching out, to redeem her soul
reaching hard, never letting go

steps away from eternity, seconds away from a loving kiss
the heavens broke, the ground heaves

she takes her leave, crowned upon the wings of a burning phoenix
her gentle turn and loving caress, is but a cruel tease

she turns and looks into my eyes
her tears flowing as she cries

i look at her, agnst
her redemption --- not in my hands

that loving kiss that i missed, in return i see
the treasure she left before she leaves


her precious tears, she'd let me possess

her precious tears, everything she has.

http://www.happyfacehome.com/mtv/kiss.htm

=P

i thank whoever's looking after me.
i am one lucky girl.

i love you all....

happy birthday to iori yagami.

n_n* (loves all around)

Poets often use many words
to say a simple thing
But it takes thought and time and rhyme
to make a poet sing

With music and words
I'll be playin'
For you I have written a song

To be sure that you'll know what
I'm sayin' I'll translate as I go along... ...

Fly me to the moon
and let me play among the stars
For you'd let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars

In other words
hold my hand
In other words
darling love me

Fill my soul with light
and let me shine in your sight
'cause you are all I long for
The one I worship and adore

In other words
please me true
In other words
I love you

In other words
please be true
In other words
love me too

i see myself desperately trying to fend for myself....
and die.

it is not an uncommon sight... and i am rather stoned about it.


you don't look at guys that much huh? are you straight..? sniggles**

you just don't know when and where i am looking.
i look at guys all the time.


hey, wake up! iris!!

i already am, maybe you should consider waking yourselves.

i had learned long long ago that love and possession doesn't come in a package,
and that i have the power to love anyone in this universe.... ....
even if it means he doesn't love me, and end up by my side.
there is nothing in life that i cannot truly love.

...... so quit telling me.



4 persons, usually different.... sadly different.
myself . my true love . someone truly loving me . my partner of a lifetime

can you turn them into just 2 persons for me?
life would be so perfect.... if it happened that way.

i don't have smooth hands....

they used to be.... smooth and cartoonish with their three very thick lines running in all the right places
they used to look normal.

not anymore.

i stare into my palms and see wrinkles and deep unwanted lines running all over the place
.... .... here there, everywhere.
place them under the eyes of a fortune teller and scare him.

you think too much.....

you said too much.

i will not love him who doesn't treasure this pair of coarse, wrinkled hands.....
because they are mine.

and it's kind of good that i will never find out whether he does treasure them or not,
or i will end up loveless.


if i stretch my palms hard enough under the light.....
some of these wrinkles will disappear....
but those on the left hand are much deeper and impossible to hide..... ......

maybe because it is closer to my heart.

luckily....

luckily..... ..... there was this cruise to turn my twisted soul around,
and save me from spiraling down to the deepest level of hell.

i was such a bitch.
and i am glad to be able to admit it.

the next time i go on cruise, i'll take the balcony class...
and bring a lover along.

.... .... ha ha.

i don't hate anyone at this point of time anymore.
blame the previous entry on pms.

i am nuts. =)

i hate making friends with people.

i hate everyone.

i hate iori too.

this life sucks....

big time.


and to all those people out there...

if you have the determination to keep hounding me...

i am near my breaking point.

you stand a chance to earn yourself a zombie grilfriend where anyone could fuck her.

keep hounding....

iris don't give a damn to iris anymore....

coming soon in the theatres near you.

now i know why i never get to see him until now.
because i am alway so in pain thinking about him and always crying.

i am this irritating presence that makes him feel guilty for being himself....
.... if he ever gets to know about my existence.

if i am him....

.... .... like i am iris now....

i wish i am invisible and always alone.
i wish i don't have to be running away from people all the time because of stupid reasons like THIS.
i wish people will just all drop dead.
i wish i will just drop dead.

i wish to die.

now that i know how it feels....
i wish you will never get to know about me.

never. ever.

i am here doing nothing.

just spacing out and thinking a lot... ...
maybe i should say hoping a lot.

i say it's alright for things to go whichever direction they want.
i said it with a lot of ease and difference....

far more than i really do possess.


i am just cheap and a liar who cares too much for her image to do anything right....

i want things to go my way.

and i couldn't admit it.
lying to be someone i am not, because being someone like that is the right thing to do.


.... .... what a stupid idea.

now i am still here... hoping there will be a change of situation and everything will go the right way.... .... my way.
i could be here waiting until the last minute and delay every other thing that is to happen in my life.



hope is for losers and daydreamers who are only good crying and pleading for help and deliverance....
there will be no disappointment without hope.

ok.... that was lame.

but nevermind.


i want to be slim and rich.

that's all... thank you.

this girl who's awake in her room at 4:27 am in the morning....
chewing on a beef jerky and drinking blood-red cranberry bacardi.....

doesn't sounds exacty like me.

but... that's what i'm slowly discovering ... myself.

if not for some stupid quiz...
if not for loneliness...

i would never have know that i am this.

i still don't know how i look like.
i don't know what i really like and appreciate.
i don't feel myself that strongly either....

i think i shall spend more time with myself and get to know myself better....

it is a good diversion for the time being....
(but it's easier said than done.)

David Tao - I Like

i went surfing for pics of beaches.

because i wanted to do a wallpaper for myself.

it shouldn't take long... but it did.

because i couldn't pull myself away from all those photos of beautiful beaches.

one after another.... i am lost in my daydreams.


then i see those photos.

they are so beautiful.

they are the most beautiful of all.... the whole series of them.



they are all tinted a shade of purple.



it's like, i'll eventually see him walk out of them....
right before my very eyes, hold my hand gently....
and lead me into the paradise with him.



if you really come to me, i'll follow wherever you lead me.

promise.

what happened?

i am afriad.

i am afraid of life... of moving on with life

i just want to stay here, in this place i am standing now forever.

maybe life has been disappointing... too disappointing for me to place trust once again

to trust that my life will continue to bring beautiful memories

even though it suck now.

even if life is horrible at this point i am standing on...

i refuse to move on.


i don't need people anymore. i just want to be with myself and be away from the rest of the world.

there is no reason to go on now like there is no reason to proceed yesterday...

because the reason is never around.

i don't believe that he is ever going to be... i am just plain stupid all this while.


i don't want to see the world anymore... i had seen enough.

and i hope the world will never see me again.

God* what happened....?

K'


What King of Fighters character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



K'
There are others who had planted their interests in you and now you feel you have no control over life or your past. As a result, you live a bitter life, being someone you never wanted to be, with a cold and antisocial stance as a side effect. You are always questioning about your existence. But maybe life just couldn't be worse.



You're K'!


Which King of Fighters Guy (Hero) Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



Congrats! You're Vanessa!


Which King of Fighters Gal (Hero) Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


ok.... i like vanessa*
... ... ...
damn.*

Air. You think before you act, you look before you
leap. You are very direct, which sometimes can
hurt others. You are always looking for the
truth behind things. Of all the elements,
you're the wisest.


What is your element?
brought to you by Quizilla

n_n* such a beautiful compliment this result is....

You came from heaven. Your gole in life is to help
others and to make the world a better place.
Some call you weak, but in reality your soul is
very strong. If only more people were like
you...


Where did you come from?
brought to you by Quizilla

.... O.o'' really....?

bleah* >.<
you look cute doing something so wrong only because i love you.

.... ....

and that's not fair.

but i love you still =)
... ... stupid girl*

i just woke up.
i think i got it.
i hadn't dream of anything in my sleep.... just like i wanted.
i could get between both worlds and be a winner.

but why do i wake up just to feel tears and face the thing i am trying hard to run away from by going to sleep?

i am kind of stupid to think that i could just give up something so special by pledging on my blog.
some things are not up to you to decide.

i don't think love is blind.... i never do.
because i am, in love.


i've a snake and a purple teddy bear.
today i'll get a hamster to play with my 3 fishes.
i have my room and computer.
i love photography and nail art... and design.
i like to decorate my room and light candles all around.
i think i am fortunate and should be happy.
well, i am.
but this coldness lurks around me....
always asking to be my companion.
i shut it out by wearing my army camos to school all the time.
i am waiting for someone to come stand between this coldness and me.
to hug and love me like all the princesses of disney cartoons.
i had been waiting in vain for years, and sometimes really hurts to love.
but i shouldn't complain.

at least i get to love him.... and that's enough to keep me going for the rest of my life.

if i gave up something i have been doing for the past 9 years of my life, is it ok?
then, what will i do now?

sleeping is good.
it is the best of the 2 worlds... you are alive yet unconscious.

but why do i want to be alive in the first place?
... commitments.

i really love to sleep.
and now i start to wonder what kind of bed is sleeping beauty sleeping on?

i have a single bed. i don't think anyone else can squeeze in....
i guess i'll sleep alone for the rest of my life.

don't come and kiss me ok?
i don't want to marry and have kids.

Your Heart is Black


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmm.... maybe not that bad.

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

and i had always imagined the person i love to be like this....
but this is bullshit too.

You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

what bullshit.

it is easy to lose yourself if you tie everything that is you to a post let it bark at the world like a mad dog while you parade yourself with your tailored mask of social code.
what does it take to experience yourself... ... ten times over? all those suppressed emotions and expressions.
and all those fobbiden antics... coming at you all at once to claim the debt you owe them.

give in to them and succumb to these unearthly thoughts and desires.... feel what you have always craved for and know your most basic instinct.

kill.

murder.

miam.

destroy.

wreck.

storm.

kick. punch. scratch. tear.

box. pull. push. crack.

break. crush. smash. throw.

do whatever to satiate the lust for wreckage and to draw blood.... your own blood.
see your blood and recognise the smell.
then develop the taste for other people's.

logic says no.
logic tells that you will feel empty and meaningless after this.

i say fuck it.
i tell myself that the devil's my brother and i do as he beckons.

i look upon the world with blood-shot eyes, looking for my victim.
i will make it scream ten times more than i did and feel pain worse than the one i'd just been through.
i will pick on easy target and exert all my accumulated violence on it.
i will make it the most pathetic fucking thing ever on the surface of the earth.

logic says it doesn't deserve it... and i will miss it after it is gone.
i say i want to destroy and you'd better shut up.

over and over.
harder and harder.

once.
twice.
and the so-called last time....

after this i will get over it and go on with life

after this i searched for more targets to satisfy the thirst.... the lust to see more of you perish.
harder. faster.... with eternal damnation. i hacked away at my scape-goats for my blame.

don't talk reason with me.
i don't talk to people, i kill them.

nothing can curb this growing need for violence.... the rising cresendo of insane power... vented out at nobody and everybody. the only way out: more wreckage.

now i look at your face and tell this maddness that you are right... with logic restraining on my urge to smash your beautiful face in and tear your handsome visage apart.

i don't understand why you hate violence.
it is in everyone and it is beautiful.
you cannot handle it and i can't either.
i had learnt to give in and enjoy the devil's ride... and i will teach you this precious lesson if i see you in person.

i will make you suffer for what i suffered.

it is always on the coldest and loneliest nights that you experience insomia.

it is always on such nights that your imagination runs haywire and you begin to think stupid, forbbiden thoughts.

then, the skies will prompt you what to do with those sleeplessness by raining all night... ....
so, i am supposed to join in the fun?

nothing is solid in this place. nothing is real either.
so what? if it is so beautiful?

some people never learn.... .... and i am one of these people.



i saved up every bit of strength in my pathetic, broken body.... just to travel to a place that i don't belong.....
to be hurt, and left out.
to cry, and feel the pain.
when the time runs out and energy runs low....
i picked up the fragments and retreat to where i belong.
drying my tears, and cleaning those wounds....
only to return to be hurt again, and again... and again.
it is not the rain.
it's my tears... tears that i shed for someone who is never around to see them.
stupid unwanted fluid that is worth nothing to noone.
my tears are not worth your pity.
your pity is not worthy of my tears.
nobody understands... i don't expect you to either.

who am i really?

this someone who finds herself surrounded by angels so long ago...
happy and smiling as she walks down the road with joy and laughter by her side.

then one day. oneday. her angel was shot. it was painful and he was bleeding.
he looked to her through his bloodshot eyes, overwhlemed with emotion and love...
pleading for her hands... her hands to deliver him from hurt, for she was the closest to him.

this girl stepped away instead... for she cannot offer herself out of pity.
for she thought she want to respect his dignity.

the angels watched in mute silence... ... and hid their wings and glory.
no longer does she finds herself surrounded by them and the joy and laughter she had grown so fond of.

on the naked earth, her angel picked himself up and reached out for her, lovingly as ever.... ....
in this broken body of his, as if nothing happened.
she felt like a traitor. she felt like a murderer. she felt helpless. and she felt tears.

this coward flee.... .... far far away from this group of strangers looking at her and what she had done to their friend.
she want to escape from all these that should never have happened. she want things to be happy.
she want him to be happy.

from that day onwards, she will not make another angel shelter her with his wings.
she will walk alone on the barren earth.
she will stay away from the happy angels and let them be.... and let him be.



from an invisible corner, she watched the angels spread their wings and flew off...
her most beautiful angel lagging behind and scarred.
it is a painful sight to bear... and it made her cry.
but it is something she chose from the very start... ... and she has to live with it all.


this time, without the help of angels.

Genjo Sanzo


Which Saiyuki Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

she looked him in the eye... ... almost thirty centimetres above her eye-level.
the tall, laconic man flinched -- but only for a fraction of a second.

"... are you wearing platforms?"
"...... ...... no."

"then can i take a picture with you?"
"...... ......"

"just one picture?" the girl was almost pleading with him. it would be bullying if he didn't say "yes".
yes, she'll most probably start tearing before him and everyone else... and that was the last thing he needed.

the exceptionally tall and fair-skinned man stood in contrast beside the stout, "jaundiced" girl ... ... looking for all the world like an ivory chopstick beside some unnamed root of an argricultural vegetable.
sniggers found their way out of suppression when it became obvious that a close up of the two faces is technically impossible if both persons are standing upright.

chewing away on her lower lip, the girl looked at the photographer, then at the ground. there was silence for an excruciating one minute (with the girl going silent, the guy being of little words, and everyone becoming speechless....)

then.... "this is not working out.... is it?" trying hard to hold back the tears, the girl mumbled to the ground.

"yes. .... ...."

"guessed you would be better off playing mahjong. sorry for wasting your time."

"... ... or we could be better off seated at a dinner table having dinner... ..."

she looked up and saw bashfulness written all over his face. regrets... already? but nevermind, because she knew he meant what he said.
maybe it wasn't meant to be said, but it was great to hear.
maybe she'd imagined the sincerity in his words, but he kept his word somehow... and kept her imagination running.
and for the humiliating episode with the camera, dinner was enough to make up for everything.



things don't work out in every direction... but they always do, if you look in the right one.

i don't think i'll have a tattoo for my love one on my body.

because i found a better and more lasting way to pledge my love for this person.

..... maybe i discovered only now.

maybe..... i did it without knowing its significance and how proud i am of this silly deed.

i really feel proud and happy....

when the world calls me by this word that conjures his visage in my mind everytime i hear it.

iris, is a good name.