i never tell you to worry, and you know roughly what i am doing... when i will get back.
i don't see what's the problem.


i would like to take back these thoughts of mine whenever my parents nag or ground me for staying out late or doing things i deem as fun, interesting, whatever...

just because you won't worry for someone like yourself if you are in their shoes doesn't makes it credible for them not to worry...
because you are not them.

you will never know the smallest incidents in their lives that would trigger off their worries for you until you are once again safe within their sight.
incidents that could be superstition, extra sensory empowered, read off the newspapers, prank calls, plain hallucination, or the good old wtfRUthinkin...

the bottomline is, they worry.
their feelings are pure and the misery of wait, apphrension, anxiety, even panic are every bit real...

painful



i am ashamed of myself for putting my parents through these, and i will work towards being a better daughter to live with.



people really learn when they'd been through a little themselves.
i am a fast learner, i don't think i need anymore lessons on this...

it just hurts too much.

what is the difference between a mere parasite and the brother?


a solitary parasite is usually insignificant in your life.
the brother IS your life... well, according to him anyways.

a solitary parasite drains a little of your resources to keep itself alive.
the brother drains you dry to keep himself happy... who cares if you are dead or alive??

a solitary parasite is, probably, just a parasite... a part of the food chain.
the brother is "your highness" and the WHOLE world owes him a living, is retarded in comparison to him. (including those who cares and provide for him)

you can kill a parasite... just use some spray and smell of insecticide for a few days.
you cannot kill the brother... because you probably do not want to go to jail for something like him.



it shudders and chills me to the core to realise that most offsprings outlive their parents... i do not have the capability to shoulder this nonsense alone and i strongly believe no man i love should be exposed to this inhumane treatment.


i wish to die with my parents.

the parasites always make it anyways.... (even if they don't, do you think i care?)

christmas is the season of love and sharing.... or so it was known to be.

my christmas eve consist of me deriving frusration and and anger from some things that i had expected to give me happiness.... then going on to msn and showing the world how irritated i felt with "the season of love".

the actual satisfaction and joy i had eventually, came from some events i had to reluctantly attend ... very ironically.



this shows that you might not be always right, nomatter how sure you are of your choices.


merry christmas, everyone.

this is me looking good.










this is me feeling good... with someone dear to share the moment with me.



i chose the latter one.


五月天, 谢谢这一路来的扶持和感动

everytime she looks at something red.... she sees blood.

everytime someone beside her cries.... she knows a soul has passed on.

she sees things the way they are to her, and feels complete, solitary, and maybe a little lonely.

then people talk to her and taught her a lot of things.

things like sharing and caring.

she likes people because they don’t threaten her, and they make her feel happy at times.

they exposed her to things she doesn’t know too.

then she shared her thoughts with people.

they say she is not right.

they encouraged her to not think and see things they way she had always seen them

... ... because they cared for her, and it is only for her own good.

she gave their words a bit of thought.... and got confused.

so she tried to get by peaceably.

but people questioned her on her lethargic attitude towards changing for the better.

and as days went by she felt pressure.

so she decides to change and make the pressure she dislikes go away

... ... and her friends happy because they care for her.

no longer does she see things so vividly, and people lost their interest for her point of views.

people have nothing more to mock her and hurry her about and she is once again without pressure.

She thinks she is happy.

Everyone thinks she should be.

Eventually she died a blind person and 60 years later than the day she stopped living.



'she' is not me... ... so fuck whatever care you have for me.
just fucking leave me alone.

among the many things that hurts me over the months....

this came as a surprise.

I onced watched the alibi PV..the song is ok I think, but I'm not that interested in them... I was just wondering "why is the singer always hiding his face behind the micro?? Argh..." Then I saw a picture and I knew why <_<



i have a lot of things to cry about.... i have decided this is not going to be one of them because i have an answer for this unlike my other issues.

LOOKS DOES NOT MATTER.




you cry when you are at your wits end and you know nothing better else to do yet you have to do something to keep yourself from going crazy or killing yourself... ...

all i ask for now is someone to hold up the pain for me a little so that it doesn't eats all the way through my shoulders and severe me eventually.

愚笨的是我...

野心勃勃的也是我...


命苦的, 应该也是我吧...

Rimei＊涙は女の武器じゃないよ。女の武器は笑顔だよ＊ says:
next time u tell urself this. they are my friends. In this life. I shld try spend time with them while i can. coz i dunno if i can still know them next time IF there is next life.

Rimei＊涙は女の武器じゃないよ。女の武器は笑顔だよ＊ says:
fate ne

Rimei＊涙は女の武器じゃないよ。女の武器は笑顔だよ＊ says:
u know.. not easy to find friends with the same path as u



how true.... as like what i always felt but did not do anything about.

i want to be a less distant person and a presence felt....

not a mere six-lettered word to people around me....

thanks rimei

i flunked.


so i think i will work harder over the weekend for the next 2 papers.

ok, next.


<<<<<<<<<< i found this ♥

AND the background music

AND my everlasting ambition to visit japan

AND my dream of working and living in japan for a substainial period of my miserable life...

AND that lost smile of mine for the past few months.

and hence i am complacent with life once more.

having an obsession sure is unhealthy... but it keeps a person up and running ten times better than steriods

I





need a shield.

someone who hates me like hell like the way i detests him.

and he can be my official boyfriend.

so everytime other people tries to pull me apart because (according to a close friend) i am once again in popular demand....

i can pull out this guy and say,

"look! you ask him... ask him ok? i am attached to him, wo shi ta de ren, aka i dunnoe anything!"

and of course this guy's job is to settle all these problems for me and act as a deterent for people who enjoys my company so that i can continue to live the lonely, single kind of life i want.



.... i will pay good money for such a boyfriend .... if i have.

i should stop sabotaging my interviews with the excuse that i want people to know me for who i am, and not what they want to see in me.

i understand that it is an insurmountable feat for any being to be able to attain a life-long career based on what he or she is as an individual ... ... fully accepted into the working environment because what i am is what they want.

but it is not entirely impossible. i am sure there are lucky individuals who managed to achieve such a status in life.


today i learnt that i may not be such an individual afterall .....

and it hurts just that little bit before i am ready to move on.

a special birthday ... thanks dave

バカね...

excuse: i was happy

i don't like it when people want something out of you and they cannot be frank with you.

it shows that they believed you would behave "otherwise"

otherwise to their expectations of your reaction to what they are trying to negotiate with you

and such selfish individuals who do not know how to respect personal preferences and choices go about doing things in underhanded and ambiguous means, just so they get their desired outcome in the end.

in their treachery they tricked foolish and naive individuals into walking the steps they aren't even aware they are walking.

people generally become your chess and dispensibles by the end of the journey when everything is accomplished

it shows that this person takes you for a fool and himself for god.




when this person is someone you know, it sickens you to think of what he is trying to do to you.



when you realised the chess is you, it is already too late.




when you sit back and reflect on your future, you realised that you have been conned into this darkness as a pawn, where there you will learn to stop being one and in turn, one day leave this conspiracy to bestow the same pain on some other unsuspecting individual....


i am eventually going to become one of them.... like him

and that lost of myself for the sake of survival.... cash

is not an intelligent bargain to me.





i will leave ths place on wings that were never there should you not come to drive me to this end.
thanks to you, i will eventually be able to fly....

i don't understand


as what consistently happens in my life evermore these days...

these are the words that come to me....

everytime i do something - real - different - seemingly interesting - for a change


... for my lousy mood.

and even with tries to comprehend, the more confused i will manage to get myself...

and the more complicated everything will become.

maybe i am not meant to understand, and there is no point in trying.

i realised i am just me ... and there is nothing so great about a two-lettered word.

there are things that are out of my league and it will only do me good if i keep away.
all i need is to recognise them, and stop believing that i can do everything...

... and if "i really want to somehow try for it"



i can try not trying to make a fool out of myself for once.

nobody has the right to do anything on my behalf.

if i don't please you i am out of your league - go elsewhere please - because you are not worth my change of personality.

don't tell me what you think i should and shouldn't be doing - i don't listen to people - i loathe them.

burning bridges - keep out

once again....

tell me why i live in singapore and not japan.

after all these years... i am still driven by material.

how disappointing.

明日は晴れた日であるか?

i do and speak the unneccessary,

and forgo everything ought to be done in my life asap.

i have 24 hrs in each day of my life,

but sometimes it feels like 10 hrs.... or less.

i am constantly in daze... or limbo,

spacing out on a plane where noone can reach in to pull me back.

hence when i awake to a sizzling sun over the horizon,

my daylight is over and the night is all i remember.


everything around me screams for a change, and to start afresh...

but i alone hold the key to the door of incarnation.

... and i am not ready to use it.

i am a perfectionist who is unwilling to let go of something so imperfect.

makes me wonder am i really a perfectionist or have i been claiming all these years.

.... just claiming -- not being.


a catalyst should come my way,

and speed up my pace of life.

i have no idea what it is going to be, but i hope it brings along good tidings for my shambles of a life.




... ... that is, if it is coming my way.

i spend all of my time chasing something i cannot hold.

somehow it gives me happiness.

... maybe not the kind i really want in life.

but it is still a kind of satisfaction.... a form of happiness.



i spent all my life waiting for something i cannot hold....

it gives me happiness, strength, and pain.

it bestowed upon me loneliness and tears i shed inwardly.

there is no reason to why i should be waiting.



... and no reason why you should tell me not to.


it is a kind of chill, the kind that comes when you are all alone.
it's the chill i feel, a feeling i call home.

whenever the clouds gather and it starts to rain, the chill goes away.
because company arrives to compliment the tears i shed.

whenever people come and say something, they aren't heard... let alone felt.
it's that chill that gets between the conversation, the chill that couldn't be helped.

i'm waiting for him to come my way.
the him who can torch away the rain....
the rain that encouraged tears to flow.

he will bring my warmth home.
maybe stay with me then, and make that feeling go.


it's a kind of chill i feel.
the kind that will get between me and you.

there are so many things i can type here.

but i am a little numb... and very broke.

i am somewhat sad, and really fat.

i think what i need now is plenty of alcohol...

the independence of sleep altogether, or eternal sleep.

the alcohol is just something i really should have.


living a long life without the thing you love is worse than not living a life at all

take one iris.

take some 40% alcohol....

stab iris.

mix her blood with the alcohol...

then add more alcohol.


feed the mixture to iris.


and that's how you send her to heaven.

n_n* serious*

when one says everyone is special

it is equivalent to saying no one is.

when one says everyone is blue

.... yea, it means everyone is blue.


we come to realise that words like different - unique - special - exotic - outstanding - extraordinary are not to be used with everything.

discrimination is neccessary - nomatter how bad a light it seems to land you in, if you are going to sincerely convince another person about individuality.

You are the depressed/dreamer anime girl.
You either lost somebody you love or somebody broke you heart so bad that you can't pick up the shattered pieces without hurting yourself.
You think nobody can heal your wounds but don't stop looking because you never know who loves you enough to try hell the one special guy could be right infront of your eyes and you don't even know it.
You also love to day dream because it seems like the only place that makes you happy.
But little do you know that people all around you are trying to make you happy and you won't let them in fearing you'll get another heartbreak or get hurt worse.
But just try and if things go wrong just brush it off and try again.
It never hurts to try. One more thing never let that lost love one leave you heart keep them in forever and keep their memory alive.

If You Were An Anime Character What Would You Look Like?(Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla

You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that could never seem too comprehend your personality.
Now you have either become an out-cast because of their narrow minds or you have adjusted yourself to them, and never letting them see who you are deep inside.
You now think that no one will ever understand you and you hate that fact.
Though you are scared of what the effects might be if you would decide to let someone in so you keep a safe distance that you both curse and bless.

What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

You are sad because of your grief.

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla

T_T ok.

Death Note Character Selector
brought to you by Quizilla

DAMN.

i like him T_T.

people in general gang up and live in cliques.
they are disgustingly foolish and ultimate buggers most of the time.
but there are those who deviate from the "general"...

and they are precious.



there is this lil garden.... and some insects and plants in it.
then there is this lil snail... plain and really insignificant,
so nobody really cares about him cos he is not colorful like the butterflies.

there are a few bugs who run fast that bad mouth him sometimes...
about how slow and brown he is.... you noe... the usual bullying stuff.
but actually ppl are all too selfish and busy to really take those backstab-stuff to heart ....
they listened and forget the next day.

but this little snail takes everything to heart ....
thinking that ppl look at him the way they jeered.
so he retreats into his little shell when he sees bugs having running contests ...
so that they don't get to tell him how slow he is.

he rests inside his shell ... and tells himself,

"there is a whole spectrum of color on the wings of a butterfly.....
but who can see the intricate spirals inside my world?"

they are all nature's creation ... but there are some things that others are not meant to share.

then he came by this catapiller.
he asks her how it feels to be green... and later join the beloved ones as a butterfly .... and be able to fly.
she tells him, "it feels great i think. but i have to wait to see my colors ....
you already have yours on your back."

snailboy listens and went into his shell abit .... stares at the ceilings where light penetrates through every thinning spiral ....

and feels happy*


epilogue:

so whenever bugs run around him laughing at him, he smiles and goes into his shell ...
it provides the spiritual peace and quiet others cannot find in the outside world,
but it does not provide the physical needs his body requires to grow ...
so when he feels happy and replenished, he comes out and moves on with the crowd.

while the pretty butterfly has to endure the snare of a human when finding the perfect haven, the snail moves around unnoticed and happy with his on his back.

for that he is truly fortunate and happy....

nvm the bugs, they will never understand.

i saw an outdated message on myspace as i logged in just now...
the only reason i logged in is because i have a couple of friends there really worth remembering.... the message is from one of them.


Dearest, Do you get any breaks from school, like vacation time? Would you be interested in coming to LA for a visit if I flew you in? How long could you spare?

I have some new pix on my MySpace page. One's an old one with Racci Shay when he played drums for the Genitortureres. I had brown hair and no makeup cuz it was a 3 day shoot... So, I look terrible... Let me know what you think. I'd email them to you, but I don't know if they'd make it thru. You have any new pix? I cherish them.

I went to San Francisco for Thanxgiving. It was good to get away. I went with a girl who is very nice, but we are just friends. She's not really my type... Big tits and all that. Have you been to SF? If you come to LA we'll go. And mabbe NYC too. Much love, w


i swear i thought of dropping everything at that instant and flying to the states....

which is downright insensible, maybe kind of foolish.


but ward you are worth all the crap in myspace, i am so glad i still have you.

to the 2 persons of my life.

i am the yagami

i hope everyday you find some reason to smile

you two are so special to me, happy birthday michelle...

happy birthday frank.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. shi yan
2. iris
3. ah me

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. blood
2. sangnoir
3. mauvais

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. legs
2. eyes
3. hands

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. nose
2. arms
3. waist

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. alien
2. monster
3. bitch

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. insects
2. guys who like me
3. ju'on

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. redoxon D
2. "investment"
3. time to be alone

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. t shirt
2. oversized shorts
3. specs

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. kenny g
2. dir en grey
3. mayday

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment too...?):
1. goin crazy - natalie
2. sranger on the shore - kenny g
3. over the rainbow - kenny g

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. iori
2. love
3. solitude

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i love iori
2. i love myself
3. i love you

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. broad shoulders
2. small waist
3. 182 cm

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. sleep
2. daydream
3. shopping

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. air stewarding
2. be attached to the one i love
3. eat and eat and eat

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. designer
2. air stewardess
3. financial associate

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. tioman
2. japan
3. the middle of nowhere on a cruise ship

THREE KID’S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. dexter
2. dee dee
3. mandark

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. be rich
2. and beautiful
3. and married

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GUY:
1. i curse in ten words intervals
2. i don't like to waste time -- get to the point
3. i do not need to see you everyday to be your stead

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. guai shuo
2. kyo
3. johnny depp

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. frank
2. -
3. -

she is the limbless one in a game of bomb-tossing.

the game ends when a time-bomb which is being tossed among a group of people explodes and kill one of the people in the game.

nobody wants to die.

so everyone tosses the bomb to her... because they know she can't run away from it nor toss it to another person.

... because they know she will hold the bomb and die...

and save their lives.



i want to be her arms and legs.

i want to bring her away from this hasty gamble... or help her toss the bomb if she couldn't run away.

it's not my game, but she is a part of me.

for this i will not forgive the world if she is hurt.

she stood by the wooden fence that barricaded her from the rest of the dark, sandy beach, saxaphone music playing from the bar behind her.
the stars shining in the night sky made the sea twinkle along...

he stood by the edge of the tides, looking out to the dark horizon appearing as a line of flickering lights dying in unison.
water gently rushed onto his polished shoes, swishing and lapping at him in their path.
like the gentle sea that kisses his feet, he let a glow of flame emit from the palm of his hand.
it is amethyst and tamed, dancing seducingly around his fingers.

his face lit up in a purple hue as he brought the flame up to his face and lit a cigratte in his mouth.
bringing down the cigratte with the other hand, he breathed out smoke, flicking out the purple flame with a poised lift and fall of his hand.

she felt like time had stopped.

he is her sight to behold... only from a distance.
only in her eyes and never elsewhere.
there will always be barricades between him and her, and he will never find the reason to look her way.
she wanted him so much, yet she is afraid of disappointment and grief.
she knows she couldn't make him hers, even if she puts her heart and soul into doing so.



you can doing anything to me because i belong to you.
you can stand and be still...
i can be the ocean kissing your shoes.
you can be silent and taciturn.
i will be the stars echoing your silence.

i wish you would turn your head and look to the shore...
where i am standing and waiting for your call.
i wish i could be there in the ocean before your face...
where you will breathe into me with all your grace.

i wish you would hold me and tell me when noone is looking...
"you can do anything to me"
i wish i could be yours truly,
where you could pick me up and carry me home...
where we will spent time together till we both grow old.

the world doesn't know you the way i do.
they say you are a cartoon.
i don't care and i hope you wouldn't too.


you can do anything to me...

because i belong to you.

i love a stranger.
he is the sun, moon, and stars in my sky.
he is everything i deem beautiful in my life.

i love this stranger, i know like the back of my hands.
everything i'm familiar with, begins from where he stands.
i painted his picture, the picture of a perfect stranger.
all the passion, and all my love for his spectre...
nothing more than the expectations i harbour

he is not what he is in my dreams.
i know, but i cannot see...
the real him i've never meet.
my pictures for the world, just a fantasy.

i love this stranger, and i know what love is.
it is the last leaf to fall, the first snowflake of winter.
it is the first and and last of everything of relation.
it is neverlasting, where most of which are memories.

yet he gave to me, love frozen in time and space...
where the last leaf never falls, and the first flake floats before your face.

love to me is eternity,
because he is immortality....


because a stranger to me... he will always be.


i isolate myself and runaway.... because i want the world to love me

i dont need anyone else.


just you.


i have everything i don't need.


just you...
i don't have.



i want to make everything go away, so i have all of my life to myself.
so that i can daydream more ....

so that i, at least, have you in my daydreams.



there is someone i love more than myself given my selfish and narcissistic nature ...

i hope you know who he is.

just like the way you will probably never understand a word of this song...

here's for you, frank... someone i just about understand as much as my foolish heart could imagine how a prince should be.




一朵云能载多少思念的寄托
再忽然相遇街头
当我们擦身而过
那短短一秒钟
都明白什么都变了

一转身谁能把感慨抛在脑后
在事过境迁以后
这段情就算曾经
刻骨且铭心过
过去了又改变什么
地球它又公转几周了

我不难过了
甚至真心希望你能幸福
当我了解
你只活在记忆里头
我不恨你了
甚至原谅你的残酷理由
当我了解不爱了
连回忆都是负荷

一转身谁能把感慨抛在脑后
在事过境迁以后
这段情就算曾经
刻骨且铭心过
过去了又改变什么
浓情爱恋都已陌生了

我不难过了
甚至真心希望你能幸福
当我了解
你只活在记忆里头
我不恨你了
甚至感谢这样不期而遇
当我从你眼中发现我已是陌生人了

我已是陌生人了

Tanya - mo shen ren



i think of you always, nomatter where you are.

10 words.

2 sentences.



none of my fucken business.

none of your fucken business.

not the best of time to blog...

with ppt not done and drawings amounting to nil....
and research nowhere to be seen.

so many things to do.... so little will to move on.

so many visions about the future, too tied for action.


i am becoming such a commonplace and a bore...

sometimes i wish i hadn't walked away from myspace



i can't stand to fly
i'm not that naive
i'm just out to find
the better part of me

i'm more than a bird, i'm more than a plane
more than some pretty face beside a train
it's not easy to be me

wish that i could cry
fall upon my knees
find a way to lie
about a home i'll never see

it may sound absurd but don't be naive
even heroes have the right to bleed
i may be disturbed but won't you conceed
even heroes have the right to dream
it's not easy to be me

up, up and away... away from me
it's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
i'm not crazy or anything


Five For Fighting - Superman

i remember a test that tells me i'll die at 25.

i remember iori's birthday but i didn't blog.

i meet too many people and have too many friends.

i know cos i am not managing my life.

i feel sick most of the time, physically and emotionally.

i had been through a couple of lousy crush experiences.

i think i pray god to never let me like anyone alive ever again in my lifetime.

i want to quit school or graduate, cos i want to do something else.

i don't know how much i am worth.

i don't know why i am the way i am.

i don't need to be rich or pretty or intelligent or healthy or lucky.

i just need to be happy.

... and dying in 2 years time sounds perfect to me.

it's really been a while since i last blogged.

i want to go again.... go floating on the waves under a blanket of star-studded darkness. . . in that place with no walls, no directions, no end.

i don't understand how something so boring to many people can become so appealing to me.


i am not catching up with school work, i'm not doing so well with my social life either.
there's effort and energy spent, but i'm skeptical about all of them going to maplestory which is all i ever do in my life these days.
if not....

where's the remainder?


for once, a proper blog that normal citizens can fanthom .. .
meaning there's something dying in me.


i need professional help

whenever you are in peril, pain, or suffocating from disappointment . . .
whenever i feel cold, and want to cry . . .

i think of someone.

it is not as if he made all these karma happen on my already disasterous life.
but somehow i'll think of him and cry.


you think of the one and only thing that really matters when you lost all those small little pretty stuff you always adored in life...
this thing you know, will make all your loss insignificant because having him is the only thing you ever really needed in life to be happy.


. . . . then you cry because such comfort and luxury is just a mere faith and a faint hope.

like wispy threads of daydream which are worth nothing more than the foolish smile of a beholder lost in the glory of floating castles and happily ever after endings. . .

i was digging for designs in my drawer. . .

then i found something i kept since early last year.

it didn't struck me why i had kept it properly for so long.

then it did today.

all those small little bits i experienced in my world that reminded me of you...
i hold and cherish like never before.
i so miss you.


i really do.