will you continue to polish your skills in being so hash with the words you say to me?

would you continue to malign me in this relationship, making me the bully when i am the one tearing myself to sleep?

when will i learn that there is only so much one can take?

你以后不要来找我

我不是你的baka

i am not going to be with someone who dont believe in me

dont ever msg me again or call me

i am too disappointed in you




i heard you.

i have a best friend who makes me cry.

and i love her.

come home soon girl, thank you for your wish for me even as you are away.

*

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

*

Rascal Flatts - My Wish

she gave me support, redemption, and courage.

he gave me my tears, his tears,every bit of care and love he could give with his broken heart....

and a ring.

i thank god i have them in my life.

thank you lynn and dave, i love you all.

i look at myself with you in the mirror,
and know how much we dont belong together.

i wept in guilt, regret, pain, and fear...
but these you cannot see... and you do not hear.

i was the girl next door, that personable face.
i was used to having a guy or two, fawning over me cos i was worth the chase.

but now i have you and you know it like i do,
i am nolonger what the world see me to be...
without you, i am of no value.

i want to keep you by my side and yet i dont...
i know you are a mistake but i love you.

i wish time would rewind itself,
and you can go to another being more worthy of your trust.

i regret everything i did...
including this decision i made.

i can cry till i go blind,
and i know you will never forgive nor forget.

i am sorry for the pain i put you through...
i know it isnt fair, but i cant help feeling it isnt fair for me too.

you can hate me for all you want.
but i will love you still...
because for all the wrong i had done in my life,
you are the mistake that will pain me till the day i die.

even though you will nolonger be around,
remember that i carry you with me still...

nothing changes my life and soul more than you do.
and i will never be the same again...

the day i let you go.

whatever you are going to say its not going to help


what words more appropriate down to the letter... to describe my thoughts.

and what irony... to hear it coming from the person
who deserves to hear them from me.



i will not cry on the first...

i will not cry again.

god, if you have mercy.... kill me.

how can you live your life leaving your feelings and emotions
in the hands of someone else?

how would you live this life when you cannot decide when you will be happy
and when you will not be?

you follow blindly, the feelings and mood of another....
not being able to keep up because you dont think like another...
feeling confused and afraid because you are led in a direction
you dont even know exist....

what kind of life is this?

and what kind of thing are you?

do you call yourself alive...?


she thinks everything good in the world comes from beauty.
she wants the good she deserves and the good she doesnt...
she works doubly hard to be beautiful, spending time with the mirror,
whether it shows a self she likes or something she loathes.
it is the only place she can see herself, and it is the only thing
that ever commands attention in her life without fail....

today the world sees her and discovers she has became one herself...
and sadly, a broken one that is useless to anyone.

i am the luckiest woman in love at this moment.
but i am not a complacent one....
hence i found myself drawn to the feelings these lyrics have to share.

i appreciate this song.


街灯绊住我眼前
下一步
拉长的影子
嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我会是如何入睡
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句
一句话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡

原来 - 林俊杰

she sits around in the lobby waiting for her back-rest to arrive...

time passes slowly as she stares into a random space which she believes
he would make his appearance.

her back-rest arrives in style, complete with a bouquet of flowers...

closing his arms around her shoulders in a tender embrace, he plants
a loving kiss on her cheek.

"i love you" he says.

smiling like sunshine of a green meadow, she turns round to seize him in
her own passionate kiss and whisper of adoration.

she cuddles the bouquet of lilies like she would a teddy bear,
throughly overwhelmed and consumed by the thought of him trying to
decide which of those beauties could be her favourite as a busy florist
stood impatiently by his side...

leaning on his chest, she feels his heartbeat against her back and her
very own... seemingly beating at the same rhythm...

so this is what love is all about ... she muses as he strokes
her raven hair ever so gently... as he carass her hands with his fingertips.

time stops for her as she drunk herself in his words and gifts...
she feels that she finally belongs to somebody... she feels that he,
is all she'll ever need.

"i love you baby."



he opens his eyes... pauses, and replies,

"yes, i love you too."



*



i know i belong to you, like the way you showed me.
i know you love me... and i love you.
i believe and trust, and bet everything i have on this...
because you are perfect... because to me, you are bliss.

but it has never occurred to me, that the lilies should be roses...
and the entrance should be anticipated.

it has never occurred to me, that your heart beats for someone you cannot have.
and it isnt me you comfort, when you caressed my hair...

you paused and you thinked,
and opened your eyes to bring yourself back to reality.
...that it is really me you are holding.
...that you cannot reply with my name before everything.

it has never ocurred to me.






... ... the saddest dream i have ever had.

i am just me...

i believe in privacy and respect of privacy.

i dont believe in leaving out crucial details to mislead others
into doing the things i want them to do.

i dont derive triumph from acts of stealing information from other
people to later infringe on their lives... nomatter how much of an
act of genius my actions appears to be to others.

i am charmed by individuals who are sophisticated when the world is crazy,
and crazy when the world is drowning in hyprocrisy.

i loathe individuals who act sophisticated because it helps with what
they want to achieve... and actually believe that people appluad them for
what they appear to be.

i dont take people for fools, and i hate people who take me for one.

i am driven by laziness and possibilities of a haphazard lifestyle.

i am a romantic fool, and an eccentric eight years old.

i am unhappy, which is why i am still alive because being happy
is my goal in life.

i am bound and gagged since the day i could remember... by people
who expect me to behave like a person i am not.

for all these things that made me... i believe none of them
contributes to me being even remotely suitable for the job i am holding now.


i cannot be bought with money... ... i know that you were purchased
but i am not you.

because i am worth more than numbers and papers.

get that into your fucking heads...

*

.... oh how i hate you all.

people may be right because everyone is capable in one way or another.
but people are not perfect.

everyone has that opportunity to be perfect in their life...
you can be perfect to selected individuals in your life,
but not every person in your universe...
because not every one of them loves you.

... hence people are not perfect.


if people are not perfect, stop believing in every single thing
they say about you... even if they could be hauntingly correct.


out of the ten things you said about me...
i gained nine wake-up calls.
they are vauable and i thank you for that.

but one is lost... because i am me and i know me
better than you do.

here i am telling you, and whoever might agree with you...

you are wrong.

... now you shall see your mistake and learn from me.

love is a matter of the heart, my love comes from my heart...
not yours.
so quit telling me how my love is...
because you can never know.

bounding up and down.... she asked him,
"which is your favourite?"

"this one..."
said the boy who was holding on to a neoprint with both hands...

"which one?"

suddenly realising that he has to stop griping on to the tiny piece
of paper with both hands in order to point out his answer,
the boy jabbed a finger on his favourite shot in the neoprint.

"eeee..... so ugly. >.<"
she made an unhappy face in disapproval.

the shot had her arms over his neck, looking for all the world like
the two of them drowning in the neoprint machine....

"i like THIS <3.... SO much prettier than yours. XP"
she had this satisfied grin on her face as she proudly pointed out her
favourite shot.

very glittery and polished, it has the most photogenic close-up of 2
not-so-photogenic persons in neoprint history ever.

".... ... ya, but i like this one."

"no you dont."

"yes i do! so nice! it's my favourite!"

"stupid **** XPXPXPXPXPXP"


she went home thinking he is in need of a change of specs.


* * *


"i like it plain and all

i like it .... cos you were holding on to me"




i realised how much love i have had .... and i know,
they are the truest love of all.

thank you for teaching me this lesson in love dave...
i'll remember it forever.

begging leads to depression.

depression sparks beggary.

hope seems bigger in life when you are screwed up.

disappointment, amounted from hope dashed against the wall
feels more painful than ever before in a fucked up life.




i dont want depression, hence i will beg no more.

i dont need disappointment, thus hope is redundant.


what i need ... is an undo button.

it is a silly and difficult period of my life....

i found these beautiful words out of the enchanting works of Corrine May.
they never fail to salvage my soul, and express my feelings ...
hence i post them here.




Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
- Fly Away


To the meadow my place
Beneath branches of icy lace
Arms held out eyes shut closed
I'd lean back and just let go
- Fall To Fly


And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
- Same Side Of The Moon


Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to an angel in disguise
- Angel In Disguise


Would you run naked in the street
with a tattoo of my name on your behind
If I kissed you.
- If I Kissed You


Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
- The Birthday Song


It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain
to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me
- Safe In A Crazy World


I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
- Everything In Its Time


When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
- Journey


But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart
- Every Beat Of My Heart


You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me, I never get to say
My life would be so empty
with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
- If You Didn't Love Me


and here's the mtv everyone should share with me.
(quicktime)

Your brain: 140% interpersonal, 200% visual, 60% verbal, and 0% mathematical

*Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
*Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
*Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

compared to other people your age and gender:




The 4-Variable IQ Test written by chriscoyne on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
*i tag baka, lynn, mic, john, and lance.


O-oU

i have been running around telling people the things i had learnt... too busy to do all those things i avidly claimed that i love and totally enjoy doing.

for all the time i invested bringing up this new turn of my life... i harbour little hopes of them paying off handsomely.
for my pessimistic thinking i got chided by fellow colleagues and friends who really gave a shit about my future.

i just went out and do whatever i have to do .... being myself and keeping friends as friends .. always.
there's alot i could have done .. much more differently and probably a more efficient way to accelerate towards my fantasy of a louis vuitton wallet.


then with the spare time i am given to stop climbing for a while,
i spent every single minute in the love and arms of a man who had hung a notice from my neck to tell the world

"she is loved .... but she is free"

the time never seems enough and i end up in trouble trying to cheat more time out of everyone else to be with him.

i get tired now thinking of the life i had since the start of 2006.
it didnt reflect a very managed and decisive lifestyle.
but i see him working doublely hard because i am getting nowhere....

it makes me want to end up further than where the world expected me land.


even though you are on the right track, you will get run-over if you just sit there.

i am getting onto my feet now.

i will be away.... a substanial distance from where he is.

i have slready seen his reluctancy to let go,
and though i am pretty cool so far...


i know i will break somehow... maybe when he isnt around.



i hear the wind call your name
it calls me back home again
it sparks up the fire - a flame that still burns
it's to you i'll always return
i still feel your breath on my skin
i hear your voice deep within
the sound of my lover - a feeling so strong
it's to you - i'll always belong

now i know it's true
my every road leads to you
and in the hour of darkness
your light gets me through

i'll swim in your river - be warmed by your sun
bathe in your waters - cos you are the one
i can't stand the distance - i can't dream alone
i can't wait to see you - i'm on my way home

i hear the wind call your name
the sound that leads me home again
it sparks up the fire - a flame that still burns
it's to you - i will always...



always return.

Bryan Adams - I Will Always Return

the thought of a certain 8-stars hotel by the sea in a faraway country...
and a pair of newly-wed individuals,
rolling around in a fluffly, comfy bed grinning from ear to ear...
thoughts of having a band with a pink diamond on one's hand for life...
thoughts of not having to tell a taxi driver...
you have to drive to two places please

it all came when this dreamer listened to this song for the first time.



come and hold my hand and let me lead the way
by holding and kissing and loving and touching you
see myself through your eyes
until the day i hear you say you are mine

i'm never gonna let you go
do you mind if we kiss real slow
you're my hopes and dreams
it ain't no lie
i'm gonna be with you till the day i die

you're the one that i hold closer
you're the man i'm dreaming of
and i really, really love you
i just want you to know that

you are mine
there's no other one for me
keep in mind
you make my life complete
and tonight
we'll make love endlessly
cause you're mine
you're the one that i'll keep

i can't wait till the day
i hear you say
you're the one that i need
you're the one that i'll keep
for all time


Soluna - For All Time



music is a dreamer's best friend

is it.....

wrong

to expect out of a relationship?

they expected a better agent.
parents expected a decent daughter.
strangers expected a prettier iris.
i expected a token..... anything i can hold and cherish till the end of time.

why do we expect so much out of relationships?

why am i so desperate?

why do people set expectations not just for their lives, but mine too?

am i not free or intelligent enough to naively tell myself what i expect and dont really expect in life?


it is.....

wrong

to expect out of any relationship.

i am suddenly very tired of life.
i dont know why.

everything seems so wrong...
my right spells left.

you look at the sludge you are in, waist-deep,
and wonder why would anyone wade in so freely...

you want to turn and find your way home,
it took you another circle to realise you have none.

you look to the lighter things in life,
and tell yourself blasted tales about how every person has his cheer and cries...

you took comfort in the beauty you hold, not knowing where it came from...
not bothering where it may go.

you try looking further and to anticipate a shore.
you see one and it says "sorry, but you have been here before"

i am suddenly very tired of life.

i am always two steps behind, three seconds too slow.
forever in need of consolation, and perpeptually inducing worry...

i am a princess by nature, renounced by ego and the desire to be that fitting puzzle in another's life.
i am a bore and a nag, but is never reminded so by those whose words deliver the most impact in my heart.

i have friends and a general public that are extremely tolerant of me and unbelievably lenient with my misdeeds...

this thing i hold in my hands i feel... i dont deserve.
but it is already here, and my selfish heart is not about to let it flutter away.


i need to learn to treasure things the right way... i realised.



i wish to hold you lovingly, not restrictig your freedom and movements, not suffocating or overwhelming...
for you who have came so freely into my hands have an equally good reason to leave if this place is not one that you can thrive on.

i want the best of me.... and i want it in my hands where i hold you.

i wonder if guys would give 2 hoots to an iris that is really more modest off....
looks-wise.


i want a balance in things of my life.... if i am damn fucking hot to dudes, i know my intellect and character should match up with my beauty too.




if someone is having an animated conversation with you via the web over a distance and you are missed by the same person at the same time..... maybe your personality needs some catching up in comparison to your physical self.

and thats.... just sad to realise.

she asked him "why do you hold my hand when i am not attractive to you?"

he said "because you are the person i love... because i want to protect you... because i want to give you a sense of security."


physical attraction has never meant so little in a love relationship before...
and with the diminishing importance of it, something else in this relationship has to take over its place....


i found, through your words, these extra bits of commitment, worth, and cherish that nourishes our relationship like nothing else can....

thank you dave.... you are really the one i was looking for.

what makes you think you are so fucking special iris?


it is a sickening feeling to discover for yourself all of a sudden, that things are definitely not what you had made them out to be.....
if that "thing" is youself.... the feeling probably sickens to the core.

there is a reason as to why birds do not grow on trees.
dont try to make it happen because your crazy mind has inspiration and urge derived from a moment of emotional overdose.


you cannot live your entire life believing that you can forever handle the things that most people cant handle in life because some half-wit told you that you are "special" once upon a time....

this is your wake up call iris, you are mortal... keep your feet to the ground.

i found a guy (who flunks chinese language in school) but bothers to dig out nj communicator when on msn because i started this chinese msn nick display habit all of a sudden.

i found a guy who leaves msn on the whole night (because of some communication breakdown the night before via internet short messaging system and my kind of cranky phone)just to allow my message to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up in the morning.

i found a guy who would patiently wait his turn to capture my attention as an aquaintance (when every other guy who fancies me is blackmailing, insisting, pursuing me to meet up with them)even if his chance was intervened by others.

i know a guy who has the courage to express his feelings towards me and do not expect any desired reaction in return.

i know a guy who wishes on my behalf, for the things i secretly wished i can wish for on my birthday.

i know a guy who apologises first.

i met a guy who left a whole pack of cigrattes (having smoked for probably as long as he could remember) at home after i mentioned to him that he should maybe smoke less.

i met a guy who spends 10 hours on msn sending voice clips of songs that could help him tell me how much i meant to a guy to me.

i met a guy who is mature when i am not and naive when everyone else isnt in love.

i have a guy who doesnt treats me like a princess but a person.

i have a guy who doesnt do nitty-critty things for me to broadcast them to the world, but kept quiet and allowed me to discover the romance of it all myself.

i have this guy who sits and watches me sleep while Dj-ing my mp3 player for me which we shared music with.

this guy is a good-looking specimen.

this guy is sincere and sensitive in love.

this guy is not afraid of cockroaches.

this guy is borned capable, and a closet-humble-bee.

this guy knows how to cherish.




this guy is, from today onwards, mine...

and "no" you can never have him.

有羽翼的心不受束缚

无心的人在人生中飘浮

往年的手机留言... 今日的寄托

今日的人生 ... 以泪挥霍

活在过去的心无宿无主

缺心的人欺笑感触



是真还是梦 ?

a new year doesnt necessary equates a new beginning...
because the person living the life is old.

my new year comes a little late in your dictionary because i am still trying to learn and change myself.

but i will play along and be a good spot to the world...



happy new year everyone, may your new year be filled with happiness.



everyday could be a new year if you changed for the better each day....

and everyday a valentine's day if you loved the right person.


my new year will come eventually.