I





need a shield.

someone who hates me like hell like the way i detests him.

and he can be my official boyfriend.

so everytime other people tries to pull me apart because (according to a close friend) i am once again in popular demand....

i can pull out this guy and say,

"look! you ask him... ask him ok? i am attached to him, wo shi ta de ren, aka i dunnoe anything!"

and of course this guy's job is to settle all these problems for me and act as a deterent for people who enjoys my company so that i can continue to live the lonely, single kind of life i want.



.... i will pay good money for such a boyfriend .... if i have.

i should stop sabotaging my interviews with the excuse that i want people to know me for who i am, and not what they want to see in me.

i understand that it is an insurmountable feat for any being to be able to attain a life-long career based on what he or she is as an individual ... ... fully accepted into the working environment because what i am is what they want.

but it is not entirely impossible. i am sure there are lucky individuals who managed to achieve such a status in life.


today i learnt that i may not be such an individual afterall .....

and it hurts just that little bit before i am ready to move on.

a special birthday ... thanks dave

バカね...

excuse: i was happy

i don't like it when people want something out of you and they cannot be frank with you.

it shows that they believed you would behave "otherwise"

otherwise to their expectations of your reaction to what they are trying to negotiate with you

and such selfish individuals who do not know how to respect personal preferences and choices go about doing things in underhanded and ambiguous means, just so they get their desired outcome in the end.

in their treachery they tricked foolish and naive individuals into walking the steps they aren't even aware they are walking.

people generally become your chess and dispensibles by the end of the journey when everything is accomplished

it shows that this person takes you for a fool and himself for god.




when this person is someone you know, it sickens you to think of what he is trying to do to you.



when you realised the chess is you, it is already too late.




when you sit back and reflect on your future, you realised that you have been conned into this darkness as a pawn, where there you will learn to stop being one and in turn, one day leave this conspiracy to bestow the same pain on some other unsuspecting individual....


i am eventually going to become one of them.... like him

and that lost of myself for the sake of survival.... cash

is not an intelligent bargain to me.





i will leave ths place on wings that were never there should you not come to drive me to this end.
thanks to you, i will eventually be able to fly....